What I'm Doing To Make My Life Better

1. Going to appointments with my therapist.

2. Taking my medication daily.

3. Staying away from drugs/ sex industry buisness.

4. Trying my hardest to keep my out breaks under control.

5. Going back to school for my GED

Schizophrenia/Bi-polar: How It Effects My Life.

For some reason I don't have any friends anymore. Maybe it's because every other day I cuss them out and get mad at them. And then, the next day everything is fine. I have to try really hard not to get mad at people for no reason. I have to hold back everything in me just so I won't have a break out of bi-polar. Scitzophrenia is so different than bi-polar. For instance, I can't watch paranormal movies, or talk about any scary stuff. I get to paranoid and I start believe that it's all real. My mind will start racing and creating hullucinations. I hate the fact that I will always and forever depend on a pill to make me normal. Because how I really am, is just not acceptable. Also, Bi-polar people tend to blow all of their money and I know that's true because every time I have money, I blow it all at once. I get 630$ a month and it's gone within two days. My medicine makes me gain weight so I feel fat and un-attractive. It also makes me not want sex and some people do not understand when I say " I can go the rest of my life without sex". My medicine makes me feel that way. These are just some of the things I deal with on a daily basis being bi-polar/scitzophrenic. 

What Happend? Life, That's What Happend.

On March 19, 2009, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named Shayleah Lorena Kohn. From the first look into her eyes I was in love. Derrius ( her father ) was not there when I had her but he did show up for about five minuets to sign the birth cirtificate. Me and her father were very young and thought we were going to be together forever. (at least, that's what I thought). However, I was wrong- he cheated on me, gave me an std, and within 2 months of us dating we planned to have Shayleah. When Shayleah was about 3 months old, I moved out of my mom's house and got an apartment down the street. Everything was perfect for a while. I had a beautiful daughter, I had my own house, everything seemed like a dream. A couple months down the road, things got harder. The bills were piling up, I couldn't afford to to put Shayleah in daycare, I had to take on a second job just to keep a roof over our heads. I begged for child support from her father. I pleaded and called his cell phone millions of times asking him to please watch our daughter while I worked. However, he did not watch her at all, and he barely even came around to see her. Two years passed and I was still a struggling single mom. In 2011, my world came to an end. Something that I never thought was possible happend to me and life slapped me in my face. I lost both of my jobs, my car broke down, I was getting evicted from my apartment, all of this happend in one day. My mind could not take the stress, so I turned to drugs. At this time I was also working at a strip club because that's the only income I could count on. However, the life style that comes with being a dancer was too much for my mind to take. I was loosing a lot of weight due to the cocaine I was using. I was also smoking marijauna and it was taking a toll on my mind as well. Soon, the mixture beetween drugs and stress caused my mind to snap! I went to bed one night and was perfectly fine, and the next day I wake up I was completley out of it. I was packing up food and putting it into a book bag and thought I was going to africa to feed the children. I thought there were dead bodys in my back yard, I believed I was pregnant with an alien. I was having hullucinations and at the time, seemed very REAL. Shayleah did not need to be around me at the time and my mom saw how sick I was and tried to take her for a few days but I wouldn't let her. My mom called CPS on me because I was very sick. My mind couldn't handle the reality I was in, so it created a new one. I did not take a shower for a week straight, I did not get dressed, I did not do my hair, nothing. I could barely even take care of myself, let alone Shayleah. CPS came into my home and took my daughter away from me and sent me to a physc ward. I was in the hospital for two months. The doctors said I would never come back to reality. My mother thought I was gone and was never coming back. When I got out of the hospital I had lost all of my friends because they thought I was crazy. People threw eggs at my house when they walked by, and I was the talk of the town for a while. Even when I was out of the hospital I still wasen't myself. I would talk about the government, I wouldn't watch t.v. because I thought the t.v. had a secret camera in it, and it was recording me and the government was watching me all the time. I would hear things and see things that now I know was not there. At the time it all seemed real to me. Also, now I look back and laugh about some of the things I said. However, when they happend it was not a laughing matter. The doctors said I had a brain of a twelve year old and that I would never come back. A year later, I did come back! I was myself again and I was of course on medicine. Shayleah was also in my life and me and her father were splitting time with her. (50/50) Then, I tried to kill myself with a bottle of pills and locked myself in the bathroom while Shayleah was in the home. I don't know why I did it, but I did. I blame it on the medication change, but I know it's from my disease that I have. I was back into the hospital once again and CPS came and took my child again and placed her with her father. Derrius has only been in her life for a short period of time. If I never would of got sick in the first place, who's to say he would be here? It makes me so angry that he all of a sudden became "super dad" when I got sick. However, I believe everything happens for a reason and I'm so glad he is involved in her life. So now I am just so angry at myself for what I have done. I hate this illness. Schitzophrenia/Bi-polar. I feel like an out cast and I don't feel normal at all. But as I write this, it's 2013 and everything that I have ever done is in my past. I can have a fresh start again and I can move on from it. However, the memories of the "sick me" haunts me and will for the rest of my life. I never want to be that sick ever again. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Some might say I don't deserve my child. Some might say that I am crazy and that I don't deserve anything at all. But all I know is I can only be the person I am meant to be. That is all for now.